I USED TO BE AFRAID TO SHOW UP AND BE MYSELF. You too?
I would hide myself. My true self.
My life has been all kinds of crazy, something I used to be embarassed of, but now embrace fully.
In grade school, I took up smoking to be cool. It didn’t work. I was always lame.
I flirted with boys I didn’t like because I didn’t want to be called a prude.
I hung out with people who were evil fucking humans because they were popular.
I bit my tongue when I heard other people talking smack about someone else, instead of defending them.
I saw people being taken advantage of and said nothing. I didn’t want to be a “rat”.
I said and did things that make me sick to my stomach.
I was a total fucking hyprocrite for years, saying I was SO against the things I was secretly doing behind closed doors.
I drank Peach Schnapps straight from the bottle in the basement of someone’s house I didn’t know.
I walked the streets all night with a friend nightly, often barefoot, hiding in ditches when we saw car lights headed our way, to avoid being snatched and assaulted.
I met strange men in person that I’d only ever talked to online, a lot of the time I’d only ever spoken to them once.
One time I ended up at someone’s apartment and found a gun under the pillow on their bed. I kept visiting him.
I went to a news reporter’s home, by myself, with his camera man, and he filmed me in his living room. He thankfully didn’t chop me up into small pieces and bury me in his backyard. He could have. (It’s still weird to see his face on the news.)
I tried so fucking hard to be liked. I did pretty much anything people asked me to do if I thought they might like me for doing it.
They often never did.
I was not liked by many. I’ve only ever had one or two friends at a time.
Not many people can handle me. I’m a real big pain in the ass. I’m dramatic. I’m over the top. I’m unrealistic. I want what I want and I want it NOW.
I have “friends” talking shit behind my back and acting as though everything is normal. They’re idiots, clearly. I’m much too smart to not know that’s going on.
I wear clothes that make me feel like a hot piece of ass, but am secretly ashamed of my body.
People often get tired of me and walk away. I don’t try to chase them, even if I probably should.
I am selfish. I think about myself all of the time. Everyone else is less important. My needs come first.
I’m a bitch.
I’m a fucking downright ASSHOLE sometimes. I know it.
But this came after decades of trying to be liked by people who didn’t deserve to be in my life.
This came after years of shoplifting, stealing from friends and family, drugs, sex with strangers, abuse, and hurting myself every day.
This came after anger management classes.
This came from debt on top of debt.
This came from being sick and fucking tired of being treated like dirt. By others and myself.
I don’t know what made me snap. But snapped, I did. And since then –
I don’t give a rats ass about trying to please ANYONE. I please ME. And if you’re lucky, I may have some desire to please you, too. But me first.
Because I’m #1 always.
Life brought me down some scary roads in my life. I’ve done things I’m ashamed of. I look back and say “how the hell could I have been so stupid?” at some of the things I’ve done.
I’ve failed at many things. I still fail at many things.
I’ve said things I regret.
I have many evil thoughts.
I’m sick. I have a fucked up mind. I’m disturbed. I am morbid. And even though I preach positivity and being high-vibe, that’s only part of who I am.
I also watch, learn, and read about death. War. Crime. Murder. Because I want to. Because it intrigues me.
My head holds so many thoughts that are most certainly not pure.
I’m all kinds of messed up. I am NOT professional. I am NOT perfect. I am NOT an expert.
I am me. And over the years.. even though I’ve been condemned for many of my actions.. even though I HATE the person I once was (and still partly AM).. I decided to stop running from myself.
I am no longer in hiding.
I no longer shy away from my truth.
I no longer try to impress anyone except myself.
I no longer hold my feelings, my thoughts, or my opinions inside.
I no longer have to be anyone but me. I am enough.
I’m free. And it feels so good.